Happy Birthday aka 30 and Beyond!

In case you hadn't heard, today is my birthday and I turned 30!  Yikes!

I'm not big on celebrating my birthday.  For my 21st birthday, I bought a six of beer and drank with my friends and that's about the only thing I've ever done.  It's not that my birthday isn't worth celebrating, but that it feels like any other day.  Turning 29, felt much the same as turning 25.  So, I didn't get myself worked up.

That was until I turned 30.  This birthday definitely feels different.  The day itself was much the same but my thoughts took a different course.  I spent today thinking about my 20s; analyzing the things I did or didn't do, trying to understand why, and questioning what that said about me.  

Leading up to this point, over the last 6 months I've read numerous books and articles about masculinity and manhood; about what it means to be a Man and when a boy becomes a man.  There are many different ideas, here are a few that I've accepted: 1. Manhood isn't a biological phenomenon, but rather a state of mind; an energy that is actualized, 2. Since Manhood is a state of mind, it can be lost and must be held onto or "lived in" and 3. That boyhood is marked by the selfish pursuit of satisfying desires, while Manhood is marked by "becoming" for the sake of others.

As I think about my 20s, I feel as if I spent more time than I should pursuing selfish desires.  It's not that I didn't do for other people, but that I could do more and didn't because my own desires were more important.  I wasn't realizing my potential because I was stuck in habits of younger years and, as is often the case with our habits, I was too close to see it.

So, for the first time in a long time, I find myself celebrating my birthday, not because I've been alive for 30 years, but because turning 30 was a milestone that helped me stop and reflect on the past 10 years and on who I am and who I want to be.  Today was the birth of something new.

"God gave us the gift of life, it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well"

-Voltaire

**Thank you to everyone that wished me Happy Birthday, I'll make the next 10 even better!**

Back On The Horse

My last blog post was in November 2012.

So, I'm jumping back on the horse with this post.  I got some things on my heart and I'll share them in time, but for right now, I'll work on rebuilding the habit.  

Til next time...

An Ode to Perseverance

Becoming good at something isn't supposed to easy,

Actually, it's supposed to suck... at least for a while  

You have to want it.  

Not just the idea of it, but REALLY want it.

Want it enough to take the first step...

Want it enough to continue when the newness wears off...

Want it enough to stay on task and push through the boring parts...

Until one day you're on the other side

And things fall into place

Suddenly you find joy in your ability

You take pleasure in remembering where you've been

And on that day, you can stop wanting

Because you have it

It's yours

Crazy Talk

I'm going to go out on a limb here, but hang with me. 

~~~

I've lived by myself for the last 4 years.  During this time of solitude I sometimes end up... talking to myself. Let me be clear.  I don't mean just talking out loud.  Everyone does that.  I mean having a conversation with myself.  Por ejemplo ("for example" in espanol... spanish)

ME:.  "How was your day?"

ME:.  "Okay.  My boss was really on my ass today!"

ME.  "Oh word?  Why don't you tell me about it?

I've never talked to anyone about this so I just might be a weirdo. Yet, I think there's something to a little crazy talk.  Over the last couple of months, I've been having delightful conversations with myself, as usual, and through those conversations I've had "Aha moments" and uncovered reasons behind some of my behaviors, new insight into problems, and new ways of looking at situations.  It was like "I" stopped talking and I was speaking from someplace much deeper in my mind.  It's a little New Agey so I'll clarify. 

Think of it like FreeWriting.  Free writing is an exercise that writers do to prevent themselves (read Ego) from interfering with their work.  So they'll sit and start writing for a specified amount of time, non-stop.  During that time they write anything that comes to mind.  If their mind wanders then they write that.  After the allotted time has passed they can read their writing and highlight important phrases or pieces.

The same thing happens with talking to yourself.  As you converse with yourself about whatever you were initially talking about, the mind starts to wander and, just like a conversation with another person, you find yourself talking about all types of things.  Sometimes during this process, I find that I tend to start talking about things that are bothering me, ideas that I stored away to develop later, or new ideas that interest me.  Just a couple of weeks ago, I had an epiphany about why I was SO bad (and I mean dismal) at returning calls, texts, emails.  One moment I'm chatting with myself, the next I'm shocked at what I just said.  

If you have the opportunity, ask yourself a question about something that's been bothering you and chat it up.  An uninterrupted flow of self-conversation.  You might like where you end up!

Ok, I get it.  This is weird, but I wouldn't share it if it didn't help me.  I mean seriously, what's the worst that can happen?  

Back on Track

I feel I can speak for most people and say that we like doing new things.  Feel like your hips don't lie?  Sign up for dancing lessons.  Want to get your body into shape? Buy a gym membership.  Want to express yourself through the majesty of song?  Guitar lessons it is.  We. Can. DO IT!!

Everything is well and good.  For a couple of months, your new activity is so new and exciting that you practice everyday!  Watch YouTube videos.  You go above and beyond the call of duty, because you're on an adventure!  Hooray!....

But in time, you miss a couple of practices, start YouTubing Fail videos, and eventually you give up entirely.  

Yeah, it even happens to me.

I dream of these great things I want to learn and rarely get past the novice stage.  My recent failed project is learning to play guitar.  I bought this electric guitar from the pawn shop (chipped and everything), replaced the strings, purchased books, signed up for lessons... the whole shabang (sp).  But I haven't touched that sexy beast in weeks. I suck at life.  How will I ever play spanish guitar in Spain at this rate? (yeah, I want to do that!)

Turns out, the problem isn't that we suck at life (for most of us), but rather that we don't understand how to build the habit.  Most of us assume that we can live off of the idea of achieving the goal.  We imagine that the passion is strong enough to carry us through when sleep is more appealing than practice, when ordering a pizza is more appealing than that salad, when video games are more appealing than studying.  It's really a relationship between you and that dream.  What happens when the puppy love runs out and all you have is is a dusty, chipped guitar? 

I think I may have an answer!  What if I told you that a Stanford social psychologist studies this phenomenon?  What if I told you, that he developed a method of creating habits that stick?  What if I told you, he offers this service for free?  I'm currently setting myself up to get back on track with my guitar!  Here I come Spain!

What if I told you you can find him here, at TinyHabits?  

Ready to get back on track?

 

Sage of Truth a.k.a Straight, No Chaser!

Since we're all on the search for the Extraordinary Life, we have to remember that we can't get there alone.  A large part of what makes a life extraordinary is the certainty that we've improved many more lives than we've harmed.   So, I'm going to run a series of posts about people we meet that guide us towards the Extraordinary Life.  I like to call them Sages.  Also, I'll add a little extra treat at the end.

*Note:  I'm a nerd and I really wanted to use "sage" in this post.  You don't have call them sages... to their faces, but its recommended  Now, on to the first Sage...*

~ ~ ~

Sage of Truth

The Who?

The Sage of Truth (SoT), as evidenced by the title, doesn't hold punches.  Their role is to "see" you; to give you the God honest Truth, straight no chaser, whether it hurts like a mutha or not.  Trust me, we all need this.  Now, just so you're prepared, there is a good chance that you won't be friends with or particularly "like" this Sage and that's perfectly acceptable.  But you must, (let me slap another "must" in bold and caps, this is important), you MUST respect them.

But Why?

If you're anything like me, you've been you so long you can't even see you doing you...  *ahem* In other words, your habits and their consequences are so entrenched that one of two things happen: 1. The consequences happen so often that you become blind to them.  You live blissfully unable to see your impact. -or-  2. You accept them as an essential part of you.  This is when you say things like, "Well, that's just me! Take it or hate it!"

Some people will read this and say things like, "You can't please everybody and some people are just impossible to please," and they are absolutely correct.  This is why it is a must MUST that you respect this Sage.  When the SoT says, "Hey, uh... you're starting to act like an ass," that's a hint that you may just need to wipe.

So How?

Whether you realize it or not, the SoT is always nearby.  That's just how the world works.  Your job is to identify him/her.  If you already have yours, keep them close!  Cultivate that relationship.  If you don't have one, here are two tips to help guide your search:

1. This person will often not be anything like you.  While you may successfully rationalize to someone with a similar worldview and temperament, the sage will see right through you.  
2. This person doesn't drop Truth and then leave.  There is fine line between someone giving you Truth and someone just being critical.  This person delivers the message and then helps you troubleshoot it.  Remember, all sages are there to promote growth.  If you get an email that says, "Your report is bad.  Do it again" yeah, that is unsagely behavior.

Last thing about this sage; you want more than one of them.  It's a good idea to have a SoT in every area of your life i.e. personal, professional, etc.  You may be a different person in different settings.  Do the work to have this sage exist in all the circles you do.  

And now, your challenge!...

Challenge!

Remember, the Extraordinary Life is nothing but a series of Ordinary Decisions that develop into habits; so let's practice Gratitude.  If you have a Sage of Truth that has helped you make your life more Extraordinary, take the time to tell them so and thank them for their influence.  Contact them anyway you want, but be specific.  Let them know you appreciate them for the Truth they give you.  

~ ~ ~

Ok. I'm spent.  Thanks for your time and I'll see you at the next post!  

Man Is The Mirror - Good, Bad, Ugly

A couple of days ago, I returned from an amazing experience.  A couple hundred college students, faculty, staff and myself returned from our Semester At Sea voyage.  For the uninitiated, it is study abroad opportunity within the context of intercultural interactions on a ship.  Over 26 days, we traveled to Costa Rica (San Jose, Puntarenas, and Puerto Limon), Panama (Fuerte Amado or Panama City), Peru (Callao), Ecuador (Manta), and Belize (Belize City).  While I can go on and on about what I ate, drank, and saw, I'd rather write about what I learned about myself through my interactions with other people; the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

THE GOOD
We're docked in Manta, Ecuador.  The first port area that we'd visited that "felt" safe.  I'm wandering the streets, trying to get an understanding and develop a familiarity with the neighborhood.  In my travels, I come across a martial arts facility, and on the side, the Brazilian flag.  I think to myself, they do capoeira there.


Side Note:  I've never been and I only know 2 people from the country, but I kind of love Brazil and I REALLY love capoeira.  Capoeira is an Afro-Brazilian martial art.  Watch and Learn!


On our way back to the ship, we run into a group of students who just came from the beach.  One of the students is describing capoeira to another student.  I eavesdrop shamelessly.  Come to find out, they met a guy on the beach that invited them to attend a capoeira class that evening at six o'clock!

Although the guy was expecting a group of young American women, he got a pushing 30 man ridiculously eager to play capoeira.  I spent an hour training with and interacting with these Ecuadorians.  I couldn't speak the language, but I didn't need to.  Movement needs no translation.  It was really powerful for me to have my first connection come through martial arts.  Definitely a highlight of my trip.

THE BAD
We're in Peru.  We had a taxi driver from Callao (the port town) who agreed to take us anywhere we wanted to go in Peru. He takes us to the Plaza Mayor or Plaza de Armas, where we see the House of Pizarro, the Catacombs, an amazing Library, and tried the incredible Inca Kola!  He then picked us up to take us to Miraflores; a part of Peru that felt much more like the U.S.  Finally, our driver takes us to the ship.  You're probably thinking, "What's so bad about that?  Sounds like a great adventure!"  and you'd be correct.  But after he dropped us off at the ship, my colleague, Marvin, was telling me some of the things they were talking about during the trip.  Our driver, happened to be sociology professor at the local university.


Gasp


Now I didn't treat my driver any special way; to be honest I couldn't speak to him.  The bad part for me was how surprised I was that he was a professor. There are worse things I could have done, I get that, but it's one thing to write another's story, it's a whole different thing to have accepted it so fully that any other information surprises you.  I know better.

THE UGLY
We are travelling in our final port, the wonderful Belize City.  I have no plans for the day, so I do some exploring with some students on the voyage.  As we're randomly walking down streets, we approach a block with a line of homeless men sitting on the curb.  Most of the men stare listlessly into the street holding out their hands, hoping for something, except for one.  This man spots me and immediately stands.  As I walk past him, he walks beside me, asking me for help.  I tell him no and continue to walk.  He walks beside me for a while before he returns to his spot on the curb.  After we finish our travels, we head back to the ship and retrace our footsteps.  Deja vu.  The same man sees me, stands and walks beside me, again asking me for help.  Again, I tell him no.

Later that day, as I'm on the ship, he pops into my mind.  It's like he was walking beside me again.  All I felt was shame.  Not shame that I didn't give him money, but that I didn't even ask if I could give him something else; food, water, anything.  Instead, I shooed him away and lost my opportunity to do what I should have done as one who has been blessed with more.  As I thought on it, it was as if God gave me a second chance to be a good person and I told the Big Guy, "Nah, not today.  I need this money for souvenirs."  Fail.

Reminds me of a few of verses from the Good Book:

"If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor, he too will cry out and not be answered." Proverbs 21:13


"He who gives to the poor will lack nothing, but he who closes his eyes to them receives many curses." Proverbs 28:27 


"...I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.' They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?' He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least among you, you did not do for me.'" -Matthew 25:41-45

So, all in all, travelling was a great experience.  I journeyed with great people, it was awesome to see how other cultures live and it was an amazing opportunity to learn about myself.  It is through our interactions with other people that we get the to see ourselves clearly.  I've seen things I like and things that must change, so I call it a successful journey.  So, to end with a quote, as I like to do:

"One's destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things." -  Henry Miller

Bon Voyage!